Courageous Vulnerability

Nothing but gut level honesty can produce the kind of vulnerability it takes to find myself. Realness? …..yes, getting real. I’ll still manipulate and think, for some reason, I’m getting away with something. I guess I get some sort of rush out of faking it at times. People ask, “how are you?”….and I’ll lie and tell them, “fine”, and quite possibly could be having the worst day of my life. I believe I’m conditioned to believe that….we’ve all heard “fake it ’til you make it.” It’s best for me just to get it on out. I have to one way or the other, but I don’t like being vulnerable. Who does?….it’s a learned behavior that I have to practice, and it takes courage. Courageous vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness, paradoxically,…..it’s actually strength. Yet, it’s so hard to not only tell others, but show them the deep seated guiding forces that actually can derail me. The cycle goes like this: unresolved feelings, obsession and fixation, I use, feel guilty, and use again to get thru the guilt and shame….and back to the unresolved feelings again. That’s why a thorough inventory of my personal “handicaps” has been so instrumental in my recovery. Dealing with anger, fear, and personal relations is not an easy practice. Actually putting pen to paper and writing about them….even harder….that’s why I never could stay sober any length of time….because I wasn’t willing to get vulnerable with my true feelings about myself and others. I have to confess it so I  may be healed….healed from what?…. The bondage of myself. That, my friends, takes courage and vulnerability……it’s a day at a time ordeal…..good day!…b

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