Self Acceptance

Self acceptance rooted in self worth…..the good, the bad, the ugly. When I’m feeling a little sideways, I can at least self will acceptance of myself. After all, if I don’t learn to love me…..who else might I think would? Self deprecation and loathing are no fun or funny anymore. I once had a German teacher who would remind me in his broken accent that if life were a circus, I was it’s clown. I guess everybody does play the fool. From an early age, I was fond of wishing for other’s approval. Maybe I was just born that way. I don’t recall as a child not having my basic instincts for nurturing met. I can’t imagine what else might have caused me to want to grow up and be someone else. I was rarely comfortable in my own skin as a little boy so when I found drugs and alcohol, I found relief from being myself. They gave me a sense of power. I no longer really cared what people thought, or so I’d say. In actuality, after going thru an intrinsic evaluation of my resentments, fears, and relationship patterns, I found that deep down I didn’t love myself, feared that you may not like me, and resentful if you didn’t. I was afraid to disappoint. There is progressive freedom in writing that. No doubt, I would probably have been a good actor. I’ve been in a “dog and pony” show the better part of my life. It takes a special person to put up with the shenanigans I pulled. What I learned is that the chameleon I once was had to morph into himself. Now, I’m finally beginning to like what I see, hear, and feel….but mostly how I act. It takes courage and willingness, but that’s what we do in recovery to live another day……good day!…b

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