Mental blank spots

I’m almost certain that she had the most rare countertenor voice I have ever heard. Karen Carpenter also had a deep yearning to be thin. Teased as a youngster for being “chubby,” she spent the balance of her 33 years trying to prove she wasn’t…..and it killed her. There will come a time when there is no mental defense against the thoughts of “I’ll never be good enough, smart enough, handsome enough, or thin enough,” to make me accept and like myself for what and who I am. Everyone’s struggles are unique and it makes no difference if its mental illness, food, self worth, relationships, drugs, alcohol, appearance, or self acceptance. For me that defense and validation must come from a Power greater than me. At age 23, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. The doctor put me on antidepressants, and what I never told him was that I was already long into a self medicated addiction in a quest to find out how I could change those “Sunday blues.”  I also knew deep down that those dark feelings of bleakness were not normal even as early as my teenage years.  It’s taken me 20 years to write that out because of shame.  Unfortunately, there is a stereotype in our culture that sees mental illness as some sort of personal failure.  You probably would never even have known that the thoughts that permeated my thinking from a deep well in my soul have been so pitch black at times that I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Most of us learn to smile thru the pain.  I simply do not have the power within me to control, cure, or fix it. It’s neuorologically hard wired in my brain where the fine line between lucidity and madness exists. Luckily, I sought treatment and got some relief, but I continued to self medicate for 18 more years. Thankfully, I found a way out with the help of God and others and finally gained the courage to write about my experiences without shame. Today, no matter how bleak life can seem, I know that God and others are willing to help me if I remain wiling to help myself….no matter what ails me….good day!…b

Bible Verse

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