Perception vs. Reality

Those blurry lines get crossed often in my mind. It’s why I have a sponsor, do step work, have a home group, read recovery literature, and spend time working with others on their recovery. I tell them I will meet them halfway. Sometimes their lines get blurry too. The disease centers in my mind and tells me the opposite of what I know is rational and true, but it takes no prisoners and it is all lies. The reality is that I lived in a fantasy world most of my life. I lived joint to joint, drink to drink, toke to toke, and line after line. Eventually that life became the only normal one for me, and I could not “differentiate the true from the false.” My mind would tell me that I had control, but in actuality my thinking and actions were so insane that I should have been chained to the foot of a bed long before I hit bottom. That is a perception problem. Looking back, I shutter and am ashamed of some of the stunts I pulled while under the influence. I tried to push them deep down inside of me as far as I could, but even then I couldn’t live with myself for very long. So I would revert back to the madness of  that ease and comfort of the first one or two just to take the edge off of the rough places. Not until I got honest did the fog start lifting. Even three and a half years without a mind altering chemical, I still need to run my experiences by others because my perceptions still get skewed. I try to overthink, out manuever, overcompensate, and outwit a disease that beats me to the punch every time I have tried to revert back and live life my way. If I was successful at it, I wouldn’t have had the consequences of realizing that it got worse, never better.  The reality is when I put my prejudices, rationalizations, and justifications aside, and I’m stripped down to the basic framework of who I am, I must concede daily that inside of me is the basic fundamental idea that God does for me what I never can do by myself…….good day!…b

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