Fear

 

image

Scared of what?…well I found, almost everything. Staying in striking distance of the target means that sometimes I will miss. Shooting bullets from a pistol that may or may not save my life. Being afraid is one experience, but living afraid is completely crippling. Some fears are rational, others completely irrational. None of this made any sense until I completed a fear inventory. I wrote down my fears and the reasons I felt that I had them. Then I surmised which part of self that I had been relying on: was it self-esteem, pride, ambitions, and personal relations?  Somewhere in the mix is emotional balance and security as well. Working with other men in recovery has taught me that most of our fears are strikingly similar. We are afraid of losing stuff or not getting our way, and we just think we are unique.  These fears at one time drove every decision that I ever made. Do I confront a concern or let it play out? Do I ask her out or back out because I’m afraid I don’t measure up? Others opinions really mattered. I feared others may not like what I said, what I wore, or how I looked. I never knew that fear was the “corroding thread” and would have never admitted them until I saw that I had to get honest to stay sober. Life had gotten that miserable for me, and drugs and alcohol no longer killed my fears nor my pain. It’s delusional to think that I could stay high and be successful at much of anything, so that was my excuse when I failed.  I had to find a solution and find a silver lining to the clouds. I pray to God to relieve my fears and I’m given the courage when I ask. I open the Word and find strength and courage, too. That is where my hope lies. I still struggle with authority at times, and I’m guaranteed that these fears can return when I stop asking for the courage to surrender. I can get “soiled”, as Emerson suggests, but getting up, dusting myself off, and going about my way is the daily reward of staying sober….good day!…b

One thought on “Fear

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s