Changes

 

image.jpgNothing will change inside of me until I see the necessity. So until I do, I’ll fight, struggle, control, manipulate, and coerce to have my way. It is  self centeredness that keeps me there,  unwilling to unravel the chain of a lifetime of childhood experiences, choices, and family of origin concerns that can put a damper on my recovery. The first red flag is becoming at odds with others. I have to acknowledge that the problem is not them, it’s rooted like a tall oak deep inside of me. I can smile at you, tell you jokes, and make you laugh but deep down I can be an insecure and scared boy afraid to talk about or recognize what I am truly feeling. Feelings get me stuck. Feelings can keep me stuck if I become unwilling to ask God what it is that He is trying to teach me. There is a lesson in it all if I am willing to accept the answer no matter the cost. Some things in life I have readily and easily given up. Others I will cling to like a rope while rappelling off a cliff. If I know and trust I have a belay at the bottom who will anchor me, then I feel more secure. Otherwise, I just slide thru life, making my life fit my schedule, my wants, and my desires. The design for living outlined in the 12 Steps works when nothing could free me from the bondage of myself. God gives me the spiritual tools but it’s up to me to pick them up and chisel away at whatever has me crossways. I wasn’t born with fear, resentments, anger, lust, and pride. Those are personal items I learned, and I must relearn how to rid myself of them daily. I can intellectually understand it, but the question is, “do I have the faith that will help me overcome them?” They will never completely go away, but will I allow them to rule me? It takes acceptance and surrender but as I walk this journey I am reminded of those who stayed the course, walked by faith, recognized their faults, and asked God to remove them…..and He does daily…..Fare thee well!…b

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