Hold On

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Where are they? Those giant bounds and heap fulls of faith that I think I already should have earned, shaped by priceless experiences that force me to move along when I’d rather just quit. I understand better today why people turn back. I want to do the same at times, but adversity is designed to make my faith grow stronger I have learned. It’s spiritual in nature, and it’s just a test of my willingness to turn it over and let God have it. Riddled by unemployment, political indifference, an elderly sick father, and a kid abusing substances, there are days I get down. Real low down. There have been happy times when life appeared to be good. Looking back, I think about the lies I told myself when I played god. I was arrogant and egotistical, and all I wanted was to change this or that about each scenario never taking into account that there has been a purpose and plan to it all. Life does have new meaning, and I’ve discovered that there are necessary endings for new beginnings. Those feelings that once ruled me lose their power when I put pen on paper, or perhaps talk it over with a good friend. It’s easier for me to become the victim, but now I realize that martyrdom does me no good. In fact, it can have the power to kill my spirit. Boiled down to the very essence of our beings, we each do the best we can with what we have, but left to my own devices, I invariably self destruct. Some people have a few bad days, I had a string of bad years. Those times when the world was beating me to a pulp. But God will continue to look out for me. I think he wonders about me, loves me, is perplexed by me, and is interested in me. Faced with a self imposed crises I could no longer evade, I had to seek help, deep spiritual help. It is a God thing that I had never understood before. The upside is that I’ve been restored to a more sane way to live once the obsession to escape was removed. Everybody bears the brunt of a burden. I hold fast, God does the rest. It takes guts and courage to change, but some days I know when I have to loosen the grip…..good day!…b

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