Screenshot_2015-09-07-12-59-33-1I think about life ahead and life behind and I’ve surmised that both can get my mind twisted if I stay in either place too long. It’s a disease that centers in my mind and keeps me trapped in yesteryears and a future that may or may not even happen. A disease that tells me that I shouldn’t feel this way. Those feelings that keep me trapped holding yesterday’s junk. That rock I carried with all my regrets, shame, and guilt got heavy enough for me to finally have a desire to drop it. Then those weird feelings of nostalgia would come back up, and I invariably want to retreat, pick the rock up and ease into the comfort of numbing them. I’ve always been sensitive to ways of the world, and I’m enough of a man to admit that sensitivity isn’t a weakness, it’s how God made me, an asset to help me empathize with how others feel, too. Their experiences I learn from, and those I incorporate with my own to be helpful to those who struggle with mental illness and addiction. I believe we all have talents and gifts that are spiritual, given by God to show others the hope that lies within us. I don’t struggle with sharing my feelings and experiences today. I once hid behind them like I learned when I was a child. After all, it’s my childhood of origin experiences that have shaped the man I am now…..I’m powerless over the use of mind altering chemicals. I use them, and they completely make my life unmanageable. Like driving back home, I can’t stay stuck there very long. I drive by houses, churches, people, and grave sites with feelings I don’t always understand. Sometimes, the road gets rocky, and I get blindsided by the death of a friend or a call with bad news. I’m grateful I have friends and a program that helps me stay sober. Mostly, I’m grateful to God who has given me a new way to handle old problems. I’ve learned to pause when I want to retreat inside myself. I don’t have all the answers, some days I don’t even understand the questions, but I do know that staying stuck in my past is no way for me to have peace and contentment today….Happy Friday!…b




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