I really hated the monster inside of me the most. The man I had become. It’s like finding out that all the sticky sweet part of my Cinnabon has stuck to the napkin. The acceptance of a “cunning, baffling, and powerful” disease that is so overwhelmingly insane that it takes an act of Divine Providence to remove it. It feels like being caught in a riptide. I knew I was swimming hard, but every time I came up for breath, I was farther out than before.  Those mental blank spots would hit and I had no defense.  Today, I have to accept the spiritual solution even when I want to feel sorry for myself, blame others, lie about something, or take the easy way.  I loved the ease and comfort I got from the first swig. It was the three day monster that liquor awoke inside of me that  I abhorred. If I were diabetic and I knew I had to avoid chocolate to prolong my quality of life, I would. If I had cancer, I might choose radiation or take chemo to kill the bad cells. I would also take anti-depressants to help me with the blues if I were down. But with alcohol, I lost the power of that choice.   A disease, so insidious by nature, that the only known remedy is abstinence and a daily reprieve thru prayer, step work, meetings, meditation, writing, and working with others. Acceptance of a disease that centers in my mind. A disease that tells me I don’t have it. Yet,  the consequences would happen so quickly, that it really was mind boggling looking back. Acceptance of being powerless over one taste of scotch because after all, it was the engine and not the caboose that always got me.  When I find myself not accepting my circumstances or questioning God, I am usually in conflict with my inner self over something like unreasonable expectations. When I go with the flow, I find that control has always been an unattainable effort. I must accept and trust the process that the steps teach me. I do have the power to take personal responsibility for my part in life now.  The first step toward change is awareness….then…..acceptance…..good day!….b

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s