The Cost

imageMy high school health teacher did a study on what a person could save in cash in a lifetime if they didn’t drink or use drugs. I should’ve raised my hand back then and said what I thought….”nothing in life is free, even the lessons.” I knew that I would have to learn the lesson the hard way before I could move forward in life. Otherwise,  I stay trapped in feelings and thoughts that take me on an endless journey to nowhere, ruminations that are just in my head. Something I felt wasn’t quite “normal” about life, whatever normal is. I was already grossly overwhelmed and disillusioned with what I thought were injustices brought on by greed and selfish desires, and fighting those ideologies cost me everything at one point. My job, house, family, career, cars, and accounts all awash in bankruptcy and despair.  So what did I do to kill the pain? The same things I had always done which I later learned is the definition of insanity. Then I began landing in jails, psychological and addiction institutions, and having harrowing near-death experiences. I found there are no geographical cures, either. A large price to pay to keep a monster inside of me fed with booze and pills. Many of us who have struggled with addictions have to lose it all in order to seek help. It’s just a fact of denial. To some it could be gambling, spending money, food, gaming, technological gadgetry, or porn. I don’t always want to level my pride and do the soul searching work that it takes to live happy and free. It’s that simple. Everyday, I must take the initiative for my own recovery. After all, no one can do it for me. Yesterday, my son and I were on the water fishing when it dawned on me that I had to lose everything just to find some peace. Today, I’ll give everything away just to keep it. A small price to pay to learn the lesson of the “high cost of low living”……good day!….b

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