Self Medication


“If you just write me the ‘script, I promise I’ll take it as prescribed,” I’d tell myself. But once I got that buzz, I’d ride it into oblivion.  It would end with me shoeless, bathless; one more desperate and vain attempt to fill that hole in me. I took my first ‘barb’ at 14, and I saved my lunch money to buy it. I also ransacked friends’ families liquor and pill cabinets looking for that next fix because I already knew then what the “good” drugs were. I can blow smoke….. blame genetics, anxiety, and even my past choices on why I chose to self medicate,  or I can choose to take personal responsibility today. The main reason I began using is that I skipped the class on how to process unfamiliar emotions.  And scared?….”scared of what?”, I would ask myself. Well, I found out while working on a 4th step fear inventory that I was scared of almost everything: success, failure, and everything in between. Alcoholics and addicts who are in recovery and who do the soul searching understand, and in the words of a dear friend, “it ain’t always easy.” Unless I was under the influence, those feelings were more intense to me. I drank not to feel. It was a two edged sword for those who watched me knee walking drunk, wasted out of my mind, helpless to help myself. I was in such denial that if anybody questioned me, I’d lie and stand behind it. That is the shameless wall of denial. Many have walked off shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads. It is cunning, baffling, and powerful as the book suggests. I had to get real, raw, and honest and had grown tired of passing out on hotel floors and strangers’ couches. It’s demoralizing how self medicating made me so sick. Even at three years and 10 months clean, it is still a day at a time deal. I know people who self medicate and can reasonably function. I am of the percentage of those who can’t…..good day!…b

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