Motives

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I would be lying if I say that I stop and ask myself often enough this question, “what are my motives?” For the record, my past is my past and while I am certainly shaped by my experiences, I have to remain willing to see my part in order to move forward…..and my motives? They haven’t always been what they seemed at times. I wouldn’t be the first to admit that with  “glass in hand” that I am ruled by my carnal nature. The 12&12 call them the big three: desire for money, power, and prestige. When these are out of line, then I am skating on thin ice. Coming out and opening up about my addictions to pills and booze was hard to admit in the beginning, but once I accepted my own denial, I began to heal from the inside out and my motive in doing so has been to help others.  It hasn’t been to get the judge to let me off the hook, get the ex back, or to slow down consequences like I had done so often before. I never could stay sober for very long when external factors were driving me to change. In recovery, I have found that when my motives are not in line with my values, I get sick again. It’s a spiritual sickness, and I have to write down the causes and conditions. This is when my willingness and honesty get tested at moments when I only think I have it all together. The fact of the matter is when I think that way, then I’m actually in denial and think I can run the show again, and my emotional nature reverts back to my using days. So, I must move forward with that basic question, ” what is my motive here?” Is it to do nice things for people expecting a return on my investment and a pat on the back,  or am I doing it because I’ve had a real psychic change? I would like to say the later, but if I’m completely honest, it’s the former and that’s what can keep me stuck in old patterns that no longer work……good day!…b

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