Frustrations

imageI usually feel compelled to write about topics that are affecting me at the moment. None so much greater now than the feeling of frustration. I could go on a three blog rant about how life is beating me up, but that’s not solution. I can choose to stay in the problem, but that’s not solution. I have to stick with the solution and those who are actively seeking recovery from former lives riddled with booze and pills. Those weren’t the answer either, as so many of us have found. When I found the rooms of 12 step recovery, I was bedeviled in ways that twists a man’s brain, and there is where I discovered that I have a disease without a cure, except abstinence. But how do I remain abstinent and remain happy, joyous, and free in moments of despair?….. I had been contemplating having my cable cut off for a myriad of reasons, but never mind me calling AT&T. I took matters in my own hands while in a hurry to get on the road. Nothing gets me in frustration quicker now than impatience. My bike was on top of the rack of my SUV when it caught the cable line to the cabin; out with cable, out with wifi. I had several writings to post, so I began using my 4g on my phone for Internet when I erroneously cut and deleted them. I know, I know…. first world problems but these are a drunk man’s excuses, and I became increasingly agitated and frustrated at my haste. What works when nothing else does? Praying to God and going to recovery meetings with like minded people helps. Seeing a newcomer picking up a white chip of surrender is a powerful reminder of life just over the crack in the sideways walk of life. Lord knows, I have many starting over chips in my top drawer. I was fishing in the marshes last week when my lure became entangled in some grasses and my line “bird-nested” around my spool, and I forgot the one tool I need the most, my knife. Frustration all at the expense of trying to catch a turning high tide. These are the thoughts and actions that kept me in the cups for 25 years. I could survive the bigger thorns, but the pinpricks get to me.  What is it about this psychic change that I can’t even see in myself until a few days and few frustrating moments later that I made it without a drink? I simply do not get loaded over them anymore. Those frustrations, I am learning, will come and go. Life changes and thru a process of time and willingness, God sees fit to look after me in spite of my unraveling moments in time….good day!…b

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