Willful defiance

Ever since I was a small child, I’ve had this feeling – it’s in my nature, and so it’s not even pretentious – that if everyone’s going one way, I will go the other, just by some kind of spirit of defiance.- Charlotte Rampling

There are times that I don’t want to go with the flow, even sober as a judge. My will overrides my best thinking and I’ll paddle exhaustingly against the tides of time to prove I’ll make it. What I found is that my will is hopelessly lacking in good judgement. I’ll go go gountil the wheels fall off before I’ll admit that I’m in a current flow of life so strong that I’ll deny it trying to right the boat. Defiant behavior is a common characteristic with addicts. It wasn’t until I surrendered in complete defeat that my life began to change. Just stopping drinking and drugging got me to the starting line of recovery. It took about three months for my head to clear enough to see that my will, my actions, and my behaviors were the cause of my problems. I had living issues and coping with life was my problem. Then I read that I had been ruled by anger, fear, and resentments that had controlled every fabric of my time. When I wrote out my part in each situation, I began to see that character was my issue and the flaws in my make up were catalysts that fueled my addiction. The insight came when I saw that my stubborn defiance will kill me quicker than an armadillo crossing a flat lane. Recognition that I need to run my ideas by others is progress because they can objectively see perceptions and ideas that may be skewed. I may think that my motives are good, but my actions can ultimately prove otherwise. If I want to change, I’ve got to continue daily to look where I stop and others begin. I can’t control the actions of others. My defiance can’t define me anymore. It has to refine me into pushing the pause button, stepping back, and continuing to follow the path of acceptance in accordance to God’s will and not my selfish desires….Good day!!…b

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