Letting Go

imageI’m almost certain that many in recovery have thoughts at some point that I have had at times. That if I just hold a little tighter or longer and squeeze a little more that somehow I can do this recovery stuff on my own. Living sober certainly has its rewards, and thanks be to God for interventions. Those “God nods” that happen to us while drinking or sober remind me how small I am in comparison to who I thought I once was. But pour a drink down me, and  I’ll somehow think I can do it successfully again. It’s a perplexing riddle. What then happens to alcoholics like myself is twofold. First, the obsession takes over my mind, I use, and then the allergy that my body needs more and more takes over because without it, I begin the process of going thru withdrawals. Normal drinkers don’t experience that phenomena of craving I’ve been told. But then again, they may not reach the exhilarating highs I got either, until even the fears can’t be drowned out. Thankfully, there is a way of escape. But how do I find it when the idea pops in my head that I got this now? For me it took interventions, and more interventions from people who loved me enough to tell me the truth about a life I could not see. It’s frightening to let go of the rope, or whatever I’ve held onto believing that it will fix me, and as perplexing as it sounds, I was simply afraid to change even when life’s circumstances were embarrassing me and giving me black eyes. The courage comes in letting go of the rope, irregardless, even if no one but God catches me before I hit bottom. There is a difference between hopelessness and desperation like the difference between hunger and starvation. I either believe or I don’t. I either have faith or I won’t. Watching and wanting what others had in sobriety kept me coming back even when trying to solve the riddle myself wasn’t working. It took reaching out, asking for helping, letting go of the rope, and interventions for me to see that trying so hard to figure it all out was actually what was killing me. Yet today because of learning to let go, I walk a free man….good day!…b

 

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