Darkness

imageI write about pain at times because either I’m going to become willing to do what’s necessary to change or not. Pain can be a great motivator for sure. Sometimes pain is circumstantial as in losing a friend or loved one to cancer or addiction; other times it’s biologically organic and chemically derived. Fear, along with pain, is a great persuader when it plants seeds of doubt. It will try to convince me to stop the trudge of the sober life, but the softer, easier way becomes harder for me over time. Recovery from anything is not an easy proposition to face. How do I change? Why can’t I just quit on my own? How did I end up here? Am I doomed to a life of misery, pain, and regret? Perhaps, you’ve lost a child and watched the flame in their eyes flicker out, or had a loved one die tragically in your arms. We all hurt sometime, and grief can overwhelm like a breaker where the surf meets sand. I tried running and hiding in a bottle, resigning myself to half truths and outright lies. At the time, I could not or would not see a better way, even when I witnessed it in the lives of others. We all hit bottoms in life for different reasons and in different ways and they are pain filled. For me it was emotional, mental, and financial. For others it might have been an embarrassing DUI, but eventually I drank and drugged long and hard enough that it no longer killed the pain. I’m grateful I lived to write about it. When I hurt bad enough, I’ll do anything to make it stop, but to go onto the bitter end isn’t how I want my life to end. I want to serve with a purpose, have few expectations, and work with others who have struggled much like me. It’s where I find hope, and ultimately God. The struggle is real my friends, and just to think a few years back I had no purpose, plan, or known way of escape from the demons of anger, fear, and lust is tragic. They ruled me, and I stayed stuck in darkness. I’m thankful today others showed me the Light. There was a long period of reconstruction ahead, but I had to start at ground zero in order for me to enjoy my life today. I don’t want to die drunk, so even in the dark times I have faith in the belief that the hope lies where there is Light…..good day!…b

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