Realizations

imageI never wanted to quit drinking while there was still time without having to go thru enough misfortune and pain to finally surrender. I looked for ways out in hollowed out and fragmented sectors of my mind. I still have delusional thinking when I begin to romance the idea of that first drink. It’s the venom without having to hold the snake. It’s the poison without having to concoct it myself. Sealed up, ready and waiting to catch me off balance and snatch me into the fiery pits of a living hell…..I don’t want to go back. Thankfully, I realize today that acceptance that I never actually could drink like a gentleman has finally seeped into my everyday journey. Do I miss the taste of ice cold beer? You can bet your life savers I do. Do I miss the numbness I felt as well as the sense of comfort I found there? I surely can at times. That’s what makes me bodily and mentally different from normal drinkers. Those half glass, one cocktail wonders that would be left, so I thought, for me to finish later always perplexed me. What convinces me that I can just walk over to the package store, grab a quick six, and then  stop? My mind does, when all other evidence leads to the contrary. Working the steps with a sponsor taught me that. Going to meetings teaches me that. Working with newcomers also reminds me of that very fact. I’ve realized also that isolation, self pity, and remorse can’t keep me sober but it sure can make me miserable enough to want to drink. That’s why I have to constantly look past economics, social status, materials, and relationships. Those won’t kill me, but my addiction will.  I do the work, and He provides the results. And the results are positive proof that the obsession to drink was removed as I continued to pray for willingness. I realize today that I’m just here on Mother Earth for awhile, and I want others to say that they are better people because God saw fit to allow our paths to cross…good day!…b

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