livin free

20160511_135652Life had not always been egregious when I drank. I was reminded recently of the controlling measures I would take to curb the obsession to drink until my son’s lacrosse game had ended. I would drink water, pace, talk on the phone, appear overly engaged, but deep down my mind and my body would be screaming for alcohol. I was so sick that finally I caved and began sneaking beers with a friend at intermission. Maybe he or I would have a little toke together. There once was nothing like the peace pipe to pull me together and at least take the edge off my mind. Aaah, the ease and comfort of that first couple, and then I would miss the whole fourth period, lost in an abyss of numbness and alcohol. I would stop by the store, sit on my front porch and literally dream of doing the activities that I enjoy today sober. It was my great obsession to try and drink with contentment. After all, I really had some good memories. Like the time we were in Cancun and could swim up to the bar, corona with limes flowing like water. Or the time we got snowed in in the Smokey Mountains, scotch burning my mouth like cinnamon fireballs. The ease and comfort, I’ll never forget. Then, over a period of years my drinking wasn’t fun anymore. I guess I stepped over the line into full blown alcoholism somewhere between Oxford  and Montgomery. What I feel today is raw and untouched compared to the rigidity and need to control that would hit me. I wanted to seemingly be fine, but in my heart I knew I couldn’t drink and tell the truth. Alcohol changes me like that, and before I even knew that life was  passing me by, I couldn’t even tell what day it was. I still occasionally have a using dream at five years sober. I wake up to unchartered territory but freedom knowing that each new day brings hope that God will put someone in my life to show that this way of life works….it really does….good day!….b

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