One drink

imageAhh, the insanity returns and if I were to drink again. I wouldn’t call them relapses because the obsession had never actually left me. Those periods of dryness where I would feel like I could once again control my drinking would hit me without a second thought. Like a clown in a barrel at a rodeo, alcohol would turn my world completely upside down. Ruled by my emotional nature, I could not tell the real from the unreal. I drink another just to keep the buzz going, and don’t eat because it will kill it. I was a day drinker and a nightly drunk. My daughter, who was 10 years old when I had my last drink, asked me recently if I remembered getting bored drinking every day, listening to music, and having drinking buddies stop by to hang on the porch. We told the same stories, made up the same lies, and listened to the same music day after endless day. Night would fall, no dinner on the table with only a handful of cheezits for supper. I’ve since moved from that cabin, and moved on with my life, but I still miss that porch. My sponsor reminds me time and again that change is inevitable but growth is optional. Alcoholics by nature fear change; at least I know I did. I was scared to get sober for fear of what my life would become…. boring, glum, and morass. It turns out those sober alcoholics in AA were right, and I agree that the here and now have become the best days of my life to date. I embrace recovery like I drank; with passion and fervor. If that insanity returns, its because I’ve begun to believe that I’ve achieved the gift of sobriety by myself. I had to ask for and be willing to receive help from others who’ve walked this same journey. I am amazed at how I see others walk thru trials by fire and not pick up that first drink. Those delusional thoughts however, can twist my thinking into believing the lie that I can drink a few and stop. I only wished I could. I never drank much for the taste anyway, I drank for the effect it produces when my body metabolizes it. My brain tells me that I can stop at the next one, or the next, or the night cap. It never turns out like I had hoped, and that’s why that first one is the most important one to stay away from...one drink, two drinks, three drinks, floor. I never could have just one, but then again, I’ve never been able to make cornbread like my mama could either, no matter how many times or how hard I try…..good day!…b

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