Grasping for truth

imageNothing at this juncture is more pivotal in my recovery than the attempt to be as honest as I know how. I’ve never believed that I was a natural born lier, but let me drink enough, and I can’t tell truth from fiction. My world gets distorted, thinking gets skewed, and my perceptions get warped really fast. Thanks to willingness and open mindedness for helping me unravel the madness of my own alcoholism. It takes courage to get honest, do a self appraisal, work on character defects, make amends, and give freely to my brothers and sisters. In it all, is an honest search for truth………I found myself running from life. Today, sober, I face the truth and the truth hurts sometime. It’s hard being rigorously honest. It’s harder to accept that within me lies most of the creator of the problems that I’ve encountered. I also know that I am not alone. Who else would lie, manipulate, and con thru life but a drunk because at first glance, it’s the easier, softer way. But I had to get honest, first with God, then myself, and now with others. If something hurts me, I have to get it out whereas I used to hide the pain in a bottle. I don’t always get it right, but today I trust that God is working in my life on a far grander scale when I am honest with myself and others. He already knows the truth, so I trust Him with the process. Doing a personal inventory taught me that most of my troubles lie in three areas: childhood of origin, family of origin, and religion of origin. But none of those are reasons for me to pick up a drink. I have no excuses, and that’s the whole truth of the matter. I must carry a hope and vision to accept my past, learn from it, and move forward determined not to repeat those same mistakes. I simply cannot plow ahead when my focus is over my shoulder.  I’ve learned that one the hard way, and lying to cover up a lie is stress filled and hard work. It is my responsibility to walk with purpose when under duress, and that is a trudge that I am honestly trying to practice along my journey good day!….b

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