Never Ends Well

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I’ve been making meetings, check. I’ve been working with newcomers, check that one too. I read my AA big book and got up to go to church this morning, called a friend once I realized no one was there only to hear him tell me, “it’s Saturday, dude.” I do all of that sober stuff,  so just imagine how freaking effed up it got when I was drinking, doing pills, and lying. Today’s nightly topic was being true to oneself, the AA mantra, but throw me a squirrel and I’ll put him in a cage and watch while he dies frantically trying to escape. That is the mind of a chronic alcoholic, wheels always churning on a lost highway. I’ve missed the point most of my life, and when I felt my first drink I got a euphoric feeling. Most people take a drink, get a buzz, and go to bed. Nuh uh, not me. Then, I drink the euphoric feeling into complete bleakness. It’s a numb place there, living to drink and drinking to live. So, what happens when a man makes a decision to stop? My experience is that I had to get God into it quickly and surrender my will. Treating a 7 day a week drinking habit with no spiritual connectivity is like putting a band aid on a bullet hole; bleeding to death trying to get someone else to take the key and free my soul. I ran into myself today when after a meeting a guy drove up, got out of his truck, and frantically and honestly told me my relapse story. I knew his face but had forgotten his name. Today, I realize our stories are much the same, and our names could all be the same as well. More, more, more is what our brains tell us, so we reach for the pipes, stay gone for three days, and then wonder why our loved ones don’t want us back. So, we grab a shovel, dig our bottoms deeper, clench our teeth, and fight to the death trying to free our minds from the insanity of that first one. I know him well, I fought tooth and nail to prove I was different, only to find out that the first one never ends well. I simply have to pray for willingness and take action today  in order for my experiences to change….. good day!…b

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