Soul searching

Doing the daily work it takes to remain sober can be challenging at times. It is difficult for me to admit my faults and confess my shortcomings, but I have come quite aways in a few short years. It is required if I want to become the man that I had always pretended to be. I lived a double lie until I accepted my alcoholism and got honest about it. Getting sober was hard but because I had never really worked the steps, I can’t say my benders were relapses. They were just more of the same: drinking against my will, changing brands and types, and trying to control my intake was and still would be a dismal fail. I had to concede that I was just doing what I hated most and that was lying about it. Noone I know now cares much about a liar. I thought I was covering my tracks, but in the end I couldn’t even pretend. Asking for help takes courage but my pride and ego will step in and tell me to act as if I know. Soul searching can be tricky when I’ve lied so much that even I believed them. I wrangled with delusional thinking until my mind began clearing up. Today, it takes working the steps and working with others to keep myself in check. I had to get down to causes and conditions realizing all the while that I wasn’t fooling  anyone but myself. My disease is a spiritual one and I now know that I need help to stay out of bars and off the bottle. There is nothing left there for me but pain and misery. I don’t always do life right, but when I do some soul searching…its a good, good thing….blessings, b

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